Transcript for a future episode of Real Time with Bill Maher

Bill Maher: Welcome to Real Time, I’m your host Bill Maher. With me tonight on our panel we have a really exciting group. Former Georgia Senator and political firebrand, Zell Miller is with us, how ‘bout that.

Zell Miller: Don’t get fresh with me, Maher. I’ve got jock straps older than you.

BM: Lovely. From the 2007 NCAA Basketball Champion Florida Gators, power forward Corey Brewer.

Corey Brewer: It’s surreal Bill, to be here. There’s just so many people I want to thank. I want to -

BM: You’ll get your chance. And rounding off the group, a common farm mule.

Mule: [Snort]

Audience: [Laughter]

BM: Always great to have you on the show, mule. First topic: The Iranian hostage release. As I’m sure you’re all aware, last week the 15 British soldiers being help captive by the Iranians for two weeks were let go. Although none were harmed, they’ve all come out saying that they were treated poorly, and repeatedly threatened. Many are saying that Ahmadinejad gained a major card for his deck by making western powers look weak. Lets start with you Zell, do you think this reflects poorly on Tony Blair, and the Bush Whitehouse?

ZM: I remember when I was a boy growing up in the mountains of Georgia, we had a sayin’. “The snake that steals the first loaf of bread leaves a trail back to the hive.”

BM: Aside from that being a complete non-sequitor, I don’t believe snakes live in hives.

ZM: What? Speak up. I got ears like a septic tank the day after Thanksgiving. … Clogged and saggy.

BM: [shudder] Corey – what about you, do you have any thoughts on the matter?

CB: Well Bill, it’s like the Final game against Ohio State. Al Horfield led a balanced attack scoring 18 points and grabbing 12 rebounds. Ya know cuz, without his efforts, and the support of our fans, that game just as easily could have – I mean – you know, we coulda lost it. I love Florida’s fans, they’re the best. And I want to thank Jesus, and my mama, without them, who knows where I’d be right now. I love you mama. One love.

BM: Speaking of Jesus, the Pope last week, did you hear this? He said that the war in Iraq was unwinnable. And he should know a thing or two about unwinnable wars – he’s he was in the Hitler Youth, and then the Catholic Church – he’s been losing the war against sensible fashion his whole life!

Audience: [stunned silence]

Mule: Eee-aww!

Audience: [Intense Laughter]

ZM: Mule, I can ah see you lookin at me from across that room. I don’t ah like the way you’re ah eye-ballin me there, mule. I wish we lived in the day where a man could still challenge another man, to a mule eatin contest, without it being a fed’ral offense. Then we’d see how tough you are.

Mule: [Snort] [slight pacing back and forth]

Audience: [Taunting] Ooooooooooh. [Laughter]

BM: And how about that Ahmadinejad dressing all the sailors up in matching tie-less suits - like the ones he wears, and parading them around? Did you see how upset that made Blair? I haven’t seen a foreign gesture crash that bad since Flight 93!

Audience: [Horrified gasp…]

BM: Ugggggh….what I wouldn’t do for an easy way to get out of this awkward moment…

Mule: [Snort]

Audience: [Relieved laughter bridging into intense guffaws].

CB: You know when I saw those sailors on the TV, being returned to their cheering countrymen, I couldn’t help but remember after Florida won the Final Four game, the way the fans cheered for us. And the party that night, oh lawd, the honeys was out. You know how many ho’s I jumped on that night Bill?

BM: I once slept with 16 prostitutes during a week long coke binge. I mean 15 prostitutes. 15 healthy, still living prostitutes.

CB: Man, you one fucked up cracka.

ZM: [perking up] Did someone say there ah was gonna be prostitutes?

Mule: Eeee-awww.

BM: Great, now you’ve gone and riled up mule. I haven’t seen a farm-hardened buck that ready to stud since Corey’s great grand-father.

Audience: [Shocked gasp]

CB: Oh, now I know you didn’t say what I think you just said. Muthafucka, you’re about to enter a world of pain.

ZM: You know when I was a boy, we had us a few slaves on tha farm. Ah t’aint got no time for them damned Yankee laws telling me who I can or cannot indenture into the lord’s servitude in the privacy of mah own farm.

CB: Don’t think I won’t break yo’ racist muthafuckin’ skull Zell. And what kind of cracka-ass name is that anyways, Zell. What, you some kinda Ghostbuster, some shit?

ZM: No, but I got a nice ghost costume in the back of my closet I wouldn’t mind showing you boy.

BM: And now, on the phone with a witty rejoinder, my friend Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: I haven’t seen such blatant racism since Ponce de Cortigeon traveled to the banks of Algeria!

BM: You mean Ponce de Cortigeon, the 16^th century Portuguese slave trader?

DM: The very same.

Mule: [Snort]

BM: You’re right mule, with a haircut like that, he sure was a Ponce.

ZM: Maybe he’s been hanging out with the Pope too much.

DM: Zing!

Mule: [neighing noise]

Audience: [Laughter]

BM: Well, that’s all the time for this week. Join us next week when I have on David Duke from the Center for Revisionist History, from White Pines Creek Junior High School, 8^th grader Ashley Redding, and a cornmeal biscuit. Good night.

Theme Song: Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.

--Courtesy of James "Sweet James" Testicles