Blank Check is Literally the Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen

So really, what's the deal with the movie Blank Check? I mean come on. Are you kidding me? Aren't there teams of people that read scripts and sign paychecks and check boxes to prevent things like the movie "Blank Check" from happening? When movies cost that much to produce, you'd think that there would be some sort of catch-all snare net to prevent this steaming fece from falling in the fish bowl.

Basically the movie is about some piece of shit kid who steals $1 million dollars and then lavishes himself with material excess for 2 hours. Yeah - that's a real positive message Disney. Those little whining bastards aren't rotten enough when they're scrabbling around your sticky disgusting theme parks blind from sugar and crying because they "didn't meet Mickey." You have to fill their cavernous little heads with morally lacking tripe; really it's nothing more than a little-kid boner-mag: "ooh, look at all those toys and candy!"

So the little prick is soooo sad because nobody loves him. His parents didn't get him any presents for his birthday. Well boo-fucking-hoo you little slap-dick. You have a beautiful home in suburbia and plenty of food to eat and clothes to wear. Why don't you turn on the BBC World News Report next time you want to feel sorry for your worthless self, and see what life's like outside of your pathetic whitebread biodome. If I could get a nickle for every time I punched your face, the only acting gig you could get again would be as an Eric Stoltz's stand-in for "Mask on Ice".

Feeling sorry for himself, he goes riding his bike - which by the way his "unloving" parents bought him - and through some series of contrived coincidences and miscommunications, ends up getting hit by a car driven by Miguel Ferrer in what can truly be considered a career low . Mr. Ferrer - who obviously must be a criminal because of the frightening music that accompanies his every agonizing movement - cuts the little shitlip a check which he leaves blank before running off, away from the police. Thanks Disney, really pushing racial tolerance by casting an American of Hispanic Decent as a ciminal. Was OJ booked that week? Maybe Carlos Mencia can steal an unfunny joke about that.

Our little fuck-face protagonist uses his brand new Macintosh computer -and by the way I have a feeling he didn't buy that with money from his paper route - to forge the information on the check, making it out for $1 million dollars. He then cashes the check, which the bank manager authorizes because he mistakenly believes the kid if a courier for Ferrer. Oh great, really filled in *that* plot hole.

I could go on with details, but what's the point? Tone Loc plays another criminal. The dad from Clueless the tv-series is the bank manager. They're both inept buffoons, incapable of catching a 9 year old on a bike. I've got an idea dipshits. Use your gun and shoot him in the fucking face like a man. Testicles-for-brains then uses his $1 million to buy a castle, a go-kart rink, virtual reality headgear, every toy that ever existed, and a lifetime supply of junkfood. How does a child buy a house? What kind of castle only costs $200k? They try to make him like some sort of knock-off Maculey Culkin character, and fail miserably. The whole movie is a knock-off. His chauffer - yes that's right, he has a chauffer who asks no questions (although I question his motives... RAPE) - is a knock of both physically and actingly of John Candy. Ferrer himself is a knock of Ed Harris. Tone Loc is a knock off of MC Hammer, or Wesley Snipes, whichever one rapped or wore parachute pants, I forget. Does it even matter?

The icing on the cake is after the gig is up and he gets off scott free, he makes out with a smoking hot 28 year old FBI agent. Really? Is this actually happening? Here's how it goes down. They're sitting down, and he asks we he can see her again. Because when I was 9, that was how I talked to girls too. No pulling hair, no inviting to the mall or some bullshit, asking when he can see her again. Why not just slap her in the face and then present your penis. It's about as believable. She says "maybe in 10 years" and this motherfucker has the balls to haggle her down to 6. Which would make him, by my count, about 15. That's fucked up. That is straight up and down fucked up.

There's so much more that's bad about Blank Check, but who has the time or energy to talk more about it? What i just wrote is probably the most positive review the movie's ever gotten. It's not that I hope that insufferably precocious little prick would die, it's just that I wish someone would kill him. Seriously. Blank Check represents everthing that is wrong with America. It's single handedly the reason why the terrorists hate us, kids get cancer, H5N1 exists, and The War At Home is still on TV, mixed up like a Coldstone quad-scoop. There are no explanaitions for its existence, only excuses.

The 650 Express offically spurns Blank Check.