A Throroughly Whelming Day

There are a number of words in the english language which exist only when a suffix or prefix has been appended or prepended to them. Of these, there are some which I cannot help but think how unfortunate it is that they don't exist in their own right. For every overly dramatic "superlative" or "resussitate", there is a dispropotionate lack of strong standalone base words for expressing that uniquely human emotion of ennui.

One such word in particular has been marinating on the back burner of my pseudoconsiousness for some time now. We all know the sensory overload associated with being "overwhelmed." We all know the painful dissapointment encountered when being "underwhelmed." But like the proverbial luke-warm, just-right porraige which that greedy slut Goldilocks couldn't keep her grubby little paws out of, often times I find myself face to face with a thoroughly whelming situation. It's not great, it's not awful, in fact you probably wouldn't even notice it but for how unstrikingly bland it is. It is the quintissential by-product of living in such a privaleged society that we are able to cultivate a sustainable amount of daily lethargy to allow ourselves to feel neither highs nor lows ("we're the MTV generation"). So without further ado, I present some examples, or whatever.

• Reruns of the 'King of the Hill'. I find myself chuckling through this on commercial breaks from better shows not so much because I find it funny - which I don't - but because I give it credit for having lasted so inexplicably long, and allowing me to nap slightly more often.
  
  
• Those weird sandal/slipper shoes that girls wear. I don't know why women seem to like these so much, maybe it's the bland styling, the unchallenging colors, or the way they make feet look shapeless and weird. This basically non-shoe is like the flip-flop's overweight cousin who refuses to wear a swimsuit at the beach.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• James Taylor. Never has so supposedly sensitive a singer inspired so little feeling from me one way or the other. I never realized that "sleepiness" was an emotion, but judging by Mr. Taylor's success over the years, I was wrong. To quote General Patton, "Old soldiers don't die, they just fade away." That's how I feel whenever I listen to James Taylor: that I'm fading away into a deep sleep from trying to impress someone by watching all three hours of the movie Patton.

I've got some other words I'd like to expand upon later on... commentors, any suggestions?

I saw David Cross on the street in New York

I saw David Cross on the street in New York. Why should that be special? For someone who lives in a big city and takes public transit, being seen is a regular occurance. Being famous doesn't make you any more visible, it's not like some sort of radioactive ooze which courses through your blood making you glow an iridescent green. And yet I did notice him, more so than the millions of tourists who flocked to Manhattan for New Year's weekend, more so than the literally hundreds of crazies who leered at me as I walked through the lower east side, and nearly more so than the gangs of thin but still not quite hot hipster post-teens I someday dreamed I would fantasize about. And yet walking through Alphabet City with my eyes focused squarely (dad joke) on the sidewalk ahead of me, I still noticed that the guy walking by on his cell phone who looked strangely like David Cross, was in fact, a coarsely bearded David Cross.

If you think about it, seeing a celebrity on the street is likely to have almost no palpable impact on your life. Television is one of the least interactive mediums, and yet we feel like we know a person simply because their character has become so familiar to us. Watch enough of an actor or comedian's work, and you can begin to boil their range of characters down to a closer approximation of their real persona, like an oscillating wave approaching zero. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what David Cross the person is like. I’ve watched most of Mr. Show. I’ve watched all of Arrested Development religiously. I’ve listened to his DVD commentaries, read interviews – particularly Brian M. Palmer’s. I have several of his stand-up albums, have watched his YouTube clips including him getting thrown out of a Jim Belushi concert. I liked Scary Movie 2 (if nothing else because the redhead from 90210 was in it reoowr). I’ve seen and enjoyed a number of the various shows and internet “things” he’s been on – mostly not realizing he was going to be in them, I assume similar things make us laugh – like Wonder Showzen, Clark and Michael, ATHF, Home Movies, Strangers With Candy, Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job, and She’s The Man (ed note: She’s The Man was an IMDB lookup). Simply put, I probably know more about David Cross’s work and more about his personality from his filmograph than I ever would gleam from a 2 minute conversation with him.

Just like I don’t really give a shit when someone begs me for money on the sidewalk, I doubt celebrities care about making a personal connection when a fan accosts them on the street. Perhaps they feel generous and give a hand shake or a how-do-you-do. But there is no denying that awkwardly listing off of all of the reasons why “I think you’re so great I know all your work we should hang out some time... do you understand that I'm cool too?” is the least personal connection you can make with a person in a given day.

And yet… It reminds me of an episode of the Simpsons where in an effort to save flagging rating, producers of “Itchy and Scratchy” bring on a new character – Poochie – who ends up ruining the show. "As a loyal viewer," one characters says, "I feel they owe me." "What?" asks Bart. "They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them." For all the entertainment that actors and comedians have provided, I think that many people – myself included – feel like we owe them, if nothing else, a debt of gratitude. We want to say thank you for making me laugh, thank you for giving me and my friends something to talk about, thank you for providing me inspiration for my own hobbies and extracurriculars, thank you for standing up for what you think is good and funny in an entertainment landscape literally littered with the smoldering wreckage of sell-out bombs.

David Cross wrote an article for New York Magazine “Urban Etiquette Handbook” which for the most part I agree with detailing the Dos and Don’t of how to act when you see a celebrity (#1 be a hot chick, #2 buy them a beer) – and I don’t think I violated any of these tenets explicitly. But what I want to stress is that the reason why I stopped to say hi when I saw him on the street was not to add a notch on my celebrity sightings prison wall (Danny Devito, check, Ryan Reynolds, check, etc, hurl), but to sum up as best I could in a very limited amount of time my appreciation for his work, his career, and my best wishes for his future projects I look forward to indulging in. And in that moment of decision, using the split-second-timing and reflexes that comedians spend lifetimes honing, I came up with this gem:

“Hey… I like you… on… the TV”

So, David Cross, I’m sorry for that – I know you were on your cell phone, and I provided what was the greeting equivalent of the reaction shot from a first-round loser on “Are You Smarter than a 5^th Grader”. Just know that despite my boneheadedness, I consider you a both a source of entertainment and a model for my own creativity. Whenever a famous person commits a public lapse of judgment bringing them down to the level of the common person, the well-worn cliché states that “celebrities are people too”. Well, people are people too, and sometimes we inconsiderately bother you to thank you for your contributions to our lives.

Meet the Newest Member: Entendre Entendre Jackson

Hello. My name is Entendre Entendre Jackson. I would like to personally welcome you to the world of 650 express. Let me tell you a little about myself: I'm here to make learning fun. Fun if you like fringe social and religious beliefs, that is! Follow me as I take you on a whirlwind tour of the news my way - informed by my downright dangerous and sexually stimulating worldview. I'll tell you how it is, who it is, who did it, what they're doing, and how they're doing it. Only at 650 express. Choo-choo!

Next time go with burgundy

I don't know what's worse - the label or the Kumars' grammar. No relation between the Kumars, the Star reveals - really quite shocking. Tomorrow's edition digs deeper into the mysteries of the link between Bruce Lee and Jason Lee.

Racial slur on sofa label stuns family



(A special shout out to Corey "In Case Anyone Is Interested, I Will Not Be Wearing 42" D. for the spot.)

Blank Check is Literally the Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen

So really, what's the deal with the movie Blank Check? I mean come on. Are you kidding me? Aren't there teams of people that read scripts and sign paychecks and check boxes to prevent things like the movie "Blank Check" from happening? When movies cost that much to produce, you'd think that there would be some sort of catch-all snare net to prevent this steaming fece from falling in the fish bowl.

Basically the movie is about some piece of shit kid who steals $1 million dollars and then lavishes himself with material excess for 2 hours. Yeah - that's a real positive message Disney. Those little whining bastards aren't rotten enough when they're scrabbling around your sticky disgusting theme parks blind from sugar and crying because they "didn't meet Mickey." You have to fill their cavernous little heads with morally lacking tripe; really it's nothing more than a little-kid boner-mag: "ooh, look at all those toys and candy!"

So the little prick is soooo sad because nobody loves him. His parents didn't get him any presents for his birthday. Well boo-fucking-hoo you little slap-dick. You have a beautiful home in suburbia and plenty of food to eat and clothes to wear. Why don't you turn on the BBC World News Report next time you want to feel sorry for your worthless self, and see what life's like outside of your pathetic whitebread biodome. If I could get a nickle for every time I punched your face, the only acting gig you could get again would be as an Eric Stoltz's stand-in for "Mask on Ice".

Feeling sorry for himself, he goes riding his bike - which by the way his "unloving" parents bought him - and through some series of contrived coincidences and miscommunications, ends up getting hit by a car driven by Miguel Ferrer in what can truly be considered a career low . Mr. Ferrer - who obviously must be a criminal because of the frightening music that accompanies his every agonizing movement - cuts the little shitlip a check which he leaves blank before running off, away from the police. Thanks Disney, really pushing racial tolerance by casting an American of Hispanic Decent as a ciminal. Was OJ booked that week? Maybe Carlos Mencia can steal an unfunny joke about that.

Our little fuck-face protagonist uses his brand new Macintosh computer -and by the way I have a feeling he didn't buy that with money from his paper route - to forge the information on the check, making it out for $1 million dollars. He then cashes the check, which the bank manager authorizes because he mistakenly believes the kid if a courier for Ferrer. Oh great, really filled in *that* plot hole.

I could go on with details, but what's the point? Tone Loc plays another criminal. The dad from Clueless the tv-series is the bank manager. They're both inept buffoons, incapable of catching a 9 year old on a bike. I've got an idea dipshits. Use your gun and shoot him in the fucking face like a man. Testicles-for-brains then uses his $1 million to buy a castle, a go-kart rink, virtual reality headgear, every toy that ever existed, and a lifetime supply of junkfood. How does a child buy a house? What kind of castle only costs $200k? They try to make him like some sort of knock-off Maculey Culkin character, and fail miserably. The whole movie is a knock-off. His chauffer - yes that's right, he has a chauffer who asks no questions (although I question his motives... RAPE) - is a knock of both physically and actingly of John Candy. Ferrer himself is a knock of Ed Harris. Tone Loc is a knock off of MC Hammer, or Wesley Snipes, whichever one rapped or wore parachute pants, I forget. Does it even matter?

The icing on the cake is after the gig is up and he gets off scott free, he makes out with a smoking hot 28 year old FBI agent. Really? Is this actually happening? Here's how it goes down. They're sitting down, and he asks we he can see her again. Because when I was 9, that was how I talked to girls too. No pulling hair, no inviting to the mall or some bullshit, asking when he can see her again. Why not just slap her in the face and then present your penis. It's about as believable. She says "maybe in 10 years" and this motherfucker has the balls to haggle her down to 6. Which would make him, by my count, about 15. That's fucked up. That is straight up and down fucked up.

There's so much more that's bad about Blank Check, but who has the time or energy to talk more about it? What i just wrote is probably the most positive review the movie's ever gotten. It's not that I hope that insufferably precocious little prick would die, it's just that I wish someone would kill him. Seriously. Blank Check represents everthing that is wrong with America. It's single handedly the reason why the terrorists hate us, kids get cancer, H5N1 exists, and The War At Home is still on TV, mixed up like a Coldstone quad-scoop. There are no explanaitions for its existence, only excuses.

The 650 Express offically spurns Blank Check.

Transcript for a future episode of Real Time with Bill Maher

Bill Maher: Welcome to Real Time, I’m your host Bill Maher. With me tonight on our panel we have a really exciting group. Former Georgia Senator and political firebrand, Zell Miller is with us, how ‘bout that.

Zell Miller: Don’t get fresh with me, Maher. I’ve got jock straps older than you.

BM: Lovely. From the 2007 NCAA Basketball Champion Florida Gators, power forward Corey Brewer.

Corey Brewer: It’s surreal Bill, to be here. There’s just so many people I want to thank. I want to -

BM: You’ll get your chance. And rounding off the group, a common farm mule.

Mule: [Snort]

Audience: [Laughter]

BM: Always great to have you on the show, mule. First topic: The Iranian hostage release. As I’m sure you’re all aware, last week the 15 British soldiers being help captive by the Iranians for two weeks were let go. Although none were harmed, they’ve all come out saying that they were treated poorly, and repeatedly threatened. Many are saying that Ahmadinejad gained a major card for his deck by making western powers look weak. Lets start with you Zell, do you think this reflects poorly on Tony Blair, and the Bush Whitehouse?

ZM: I remember when I was a boy growing up in the mountains of Georgia, we had a sayin’. “The snake that steals the first loaf of bread leaves a trail back to the hive.”

BM: Aside from that being a complete non-sequitor, I don’t believe snakes live in hives.

ZM: What? Speak up. I got ears like a septic tank the day after Thanksgiving. … Clogged and saggy.

BM: [shudder] Corey – what about you, do you have any thoughts on the matter?

CB: Well Bill, it’s like the Final game against Ohio State. Al Horfield led a balanced attack scoring 18 points and grabbing 12 rebounds. Ya know cuz, without his efforts, and the support of our fans, that game just as easily could have – I mean – you know, we coulda lost it. I love Florida’s fans, they’re the best. And I want to thank Jesus, and my mama, without them, who knows where I’d be right now. I love you mama. One love.

BM: Speaking of Jesus, the Pope last week, did you hear this? He said that the war in Iraq was unwinnable. And he should know a thing or two about unwinnable wars – he’s he was in the Hitler Youth, and then the Catholic Church – he’s been losing the war against sensible fashion his whole life!

Audience: [stunned silence]

Mule: Eee-aww!

Audience: [Intense Laughter]

ZM: Mule, I can ah see you lookin at me from across that room. I don’t ah like the way you’re ah eye-ballin me there, mule. I wish we lived in the day where a man could still challenge another man, to a mule eatin contest, without it being a fed’ral offense. Then we’d see how tough you are.

Mule: [Snort] [slight pacing back and forth]

Audience: [Taunting] Ooooooooooh. [Laughter]

BM: And how about that Ahmadinejad dressing all the sailors up in matching tie-less suits - like the ones he wears, and parading them around? Did you see how upset that made Blair? I haven’t seen a foreign gesture crash that bad since Flight 93!

Audience: [Horrified gasp…]

BM: Ugggggh….what I wouldn’t do for an easy way to get out of this awkward moment…

Mule: [Snort]

Audience: [Relieved laughter bridging into intense guffaws].

CB: You know when I saw those sailors on the TV, being returned to their cheering countrymen, I couldn’t help but remember after Florida won the Final Four game, the way the fans cheered for us. And the party that night, oh lawd, the honeys was out. You know how many ho’s I jumped on that night Bill?

BM: I once slept with 16 prostitutes during a week long coke binge. I mean 15 prostitutes. 15 healthy, still living prostitutes.

CB: Man, you one fucked up cracka.

ZM: [perking up] Did someone say there ah was gonna be prostitutes?

Mule: Eeee-awww.

BM: Great, now you’ve gone and riled up mule. I haven’t seen a farm-hardened buck that ready to stud since Corey’s great grand-father.

Audience: [Shocked gasp]

CB: Oh, now I know you didn’t say what I think you just said. Muthafucka, you’re about to enter a world of pain.

ZM: You know when I was a boy, we had us a few slaves on tha farm. Ah t’aint got no time for them damned Yankee laws telling me who I can or cannot indenture into the lord’s servitude in the privacy of mah own farm.

CB: Don’t think I won’t break yo’ racist muthafuckin’ skull Zell. And what kind of cracka-ass name is that anyways, Zell. What, you some kinda Ghostbuster, some shit?

ZM: No, but I got a nice ghost costume in the back of my closet I wouldn’t mind showing you boy.

BM: And now, on the phone with a witty rejoinder, my friend Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: I haven’t seen such blatant racism since Ponce de Cortigeon traveled to the banks of Algeria!

BM: You mean Ponce de Cortigeon, the 16^th century Portuguese slave trader?

DM: The very same.

Mule: [Snort]

BM: You’re right mule, with a haircut like that, he sure was a Ponce.

ZM: Maybe he’s been hanging out with the Pope too much.

DM: Zing!

Mule: [neighing noise]

Audience: [Laughter]

BM: Well, that’s all the time for this week. Join us next week when I have on David Duke from the Center for Revisionist History, from White Pines Creek Junior High School, 8^th grader Ashley Redding, and a cornmeal biscuit. Good night.

Theme Song: Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.

--Courtesy of James "Sweet James" Testicles